SOMEWHERE
By Sybil–The reviewer with seventeen distinct personalities
Starring Stephen Dorff, Elle Fanning and Chris Pontius
Written and directed by Sofia Coppola
Running time 95 min
MPAA Rating R
Selig Film Rating–Get out the torches!
Since so many movies have been released in the last few weeks, the only way to get them covered was to enlist help. The following review is by my buddy Sybil. She is an unfortunate lady who has seventeen distinct personalities trapped in her head. It makes for interesting conversations, but they are not that coherent.
Abil: Not since the making of Citizen Kane has a movie…
Bbil: Wait a tick. You liked this drivel.
Abil: Why yes, Somewhere is a masterpiece.
Bbil: A masterpiece of total crap.
Cbil: Now girls, we must all get along.
Bbil: Shut up Cbil, no one was talking to you.
Cbil: No one ever talks to me.
Bbil: For good reason.
Abil: Sophia Coppola paints a stunning tale of an artist at the crossroads.
Bbil: At the crossroads of boring and dull.
Cbil: I think the crossroads are Hollywood and Vine.
Bbil: Same thing.
DBil: Well, Lordy-Lordy, I do declare that I agree with little Miss Bbil. Nothing happens at all in this little ole film.
Abil: That is the point.
Bbil: What?
Abil: That life is full of ennui.
Jbil: I WAS ROBBED! I WANT MY 90 MINUTES OF LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gbil: I want my M-TV!
Hbil: I want Candy/ Dum-a-bum da-bum-bum
Cbil: We can all agree on that!
Sbil: In Hollywood there once was an actor
Whose life was lacking–a total, dull bore
Takes his daughter from place to place
With an uncaring feeling on his face
Then cries, breaking down to the core
Cbil; Watching paint dry is more exciting!
Rbil: Coming this week on ESPN–The Winter Nationals of Paint Drying. Featuring International Sensation Ismando Puelli!
Dbil: Well, Lordy-Lordy, I do declare that does sound funnier than Hog Slop Sundays!
Mbil: . .-.. .-.. . ..-. .- -. -. .. -. –. .. … –. .-. . .- – .-.-.-
Fbil: Oui, Oui, Elle se bonne!
Cbil: Well, we all can agree on that!
Bbil: Not everyone…
Zbil: Shut up! All of you just shut up!!
Abil: To sum up, Somewhere is a film…
Bbil: …that goes nowhere.
Abil: See it!
Bbil: If you need a cure for insomnia
Cbil: Well, we all can agree on that!
